Reflections on a Spa Day

Friday I was able to experience my very first massage, it was truly a spiritual experience! I am sold that people should have this regularly, and never, ever wait 45 years! It brought to me however, the question...Why is the human touch so healing? At first I thought that perhaps it would feel like the massage chairs in the hall at the mall, however, it was so much more than that!




I began a search on the Internet to read about this very subject, the human touch. My first overwhelming experience of human touch happened when my son, Noah, was an infant. Within just minutes of being born, he was experiencing his first touches. I wondered what he was experiencing as he was being moved from one person to another, how the nurses wash them off, in not the most gentle way or at least that is how I perceived it. And my first experience of him was seeing him lying on the table, totally naked and vulnerable, people doing this and that to him, and him crying uncontrollably. His face red, his lips quivering. I understand that you do want to hear that cry, but for Noah, it so sounded like a cry to return to the womb, to be once again enveloped in some one's love. No words, no compromises, no fears, just this immersion into the perfect love. No past to create a sense of insecurity.When he was finally put into my arms, I felt the most close to any human being than I had ever been. We spent many years, hugging, kissing, holding each other close.

As a single mother, who spends more hours at work than at home, being close to him physically had to be a priority for successful parenting. I made a decision, when he was a toddler that he would not be "made" to sleep in his own bed, and he could use the other half of mine. I was focused on his need to feel close to me, even though we spent so many hours away from each other during the day. I had a sense that I was on the right track when, in the middle of the night, I felt this little hand, touching my arm, looking for reassurance that I was present. It was very much a part of the bonding process. As he got bigger physically, and more independent emotionally and intellectually, our moments of physical closeness lessened. My life somehow became much more busy and stressful as his caretaker as well as that of my parents. I had more responsibilities at work, my own sense of feeling of alone-ness, the pressure of bills, home repairs, etc. and found myself spending less and less time, hugging my child. Mornings were rushed to get to school, evenings are full of homework, bath time, dinner, etc. It has become more of a habit of rushing him to and fro then taking a moment to feel him close, or to smell his hair, or to touch his hand. The other day, he was typing on the computer and I couldn't believe how large his hands had become. No little baby anymore! And still, he finds his way to my bed at night, lying close, and still sometimes reaching that hand to feel my presence. His size duped me, I thought he was older and didn't need that so much. But, I realized that I am 45, and desperately longing for someone to put their arms around me, don't need to say anything, don't need to fix the problem, just to hold me, touch me, and heal my humanness.

The need for touch is almost as powerful as the need for air, food and water. Studies have shown that there are destructive consequences of inadequate or inappropriate touch. Everone needs touch, despite your age. Recently, my mother (76) hugged me (45) goodbye when I was leaving for work, and telling me, that she doesn't know why she doesn't hug me more often, after all I was once her baby. And it felt great. It swept me back into my childhood and gave me a sense of connection, from what I was and what I have become.

There is a wonderful poem about the idea of the human touch, by Spencer Michael Free (1856-1938) :

’Tis the human touchin this world that counts,

The touch of your hand and mine,

Which means far more to the fainting heart

Than shelter and bread and wine.

For shelter is gonewhen the night is o’er,

And bread lasts only a day.

But the touch of the hand

And the sound of the voice

Sing on in the soul always.

I found this on www.suite101.com/article.cfm/womens_health/83603

"Are you interested in learning how to include touch in your
life? Here are a few beginning tips:

• Start by kissing friends hello on the cheek. If that makes you
  uncomfortable, try hugs. A good hug is a quick, anti-stress remedy, as
  spiritually healing as hours of meditation. The person you are hugging has the
  power, with their touch, to free you from the tyranny of your restless mind.
• As most of us are realizing, our society does not have a very
  affectionate culture (except during a tragedy) but you can overcome this. Begin
  with a friendly pat on a person's back. Walk arm and arm with a friend. When
  talking to someone, gently touch his or her arm or hand during the conversation.
  Small touches can go a long way to making a person's day.
• We all know that gently touching a child can help them to
  develop into loving, caring adults, so spend more "touching" time with them. Snuggle with your children while watching television. Tackle them just for the fun of it, and even rub their backs while they sleep. I know not everyone is into the Family Bed, but for the first two years of each of my children's lives, they slept with me. It was crowded and inconvenient on occasion, but wonderful. They slept all night and woke each morning in a pleasant mood.
  
• Rub your husband/partner's back for 30 minutes, and then insist
  on receiving one in turn. Try to do this each night instead of having a cocktail. The benefits are long lasting. Even a self-massage has wonderful benefits. "

So what does this all mean? I think that it means, that God made us to show our emotions, to take the scarey leap, and lean over and touch the person beside you; I think that it means sometimes, we have to forget our own personal space and that of others and just touch one another. There are times in life when a touch means more than any word could convey. Our world needs more people hugging!

In the words of Bruce Springsteen:

"Oh girl, that feeling of safety that you prize,
Well it comes at a hard, hard price
You can't shut off the risk and the pain
Without losing the love that remains
We are all riders on this train."

I know that for me, I will hug and kiss my Mom and Son today, and everyday that God gives me with them.

Check out the Free Hug Campaign Video !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Related articles by Zemanta

• Beyond the Baby B's: Attachment Through Play (attachmentparenting.org)

To Be or Not to Be...with the "right" guy

We all want to be with the "right" person. But how do we know what that means really? Recently I went on a "blind" internet date. I was most nervous because I thought of all the things that were wrong with me. I worked hard not to have a bad hair day, make sure my clothing was correct for the occasion, and no unsightly bulges were too accentuated. I made sure legs were shaved, all unwanted facial hair was gone, make up perfect (not too much, not too little) and I smelled really good. I left the house pretty confident that I had found a balance of looking put together but not too much so. And so off I went to meet this virtual stranger. There he was waiting in the parking lot, like he said he would. I was a little surprised, it didn't seem like he put ANY effort into this and well I think he might have taken his shirt out of the laundry basket, done one of those sniffs guys do to make sure that it was ok, and ran out the door. But hey, I am not a shallow person, so I tried not to make any judgements. We went into the resteraunt, and I found that I was at ease and the conversation went pretty well, with only a few quiet spots here and there. THe margaritas were good and cheap but I still wasn't committing to a "meal", despite the waitresses constant attention of what we would like to order. After a few margarita's his lack of personal style, his inability to ask me any questions about myself, and his constant talk of his ex didn't seem to matter. My expectations and standards were waining a little (this is not a point I am proud of, mind you) and the date continued on. What got was this... after years of suffering from "male attention deprivation" I found myself just liking the fact that someone liked me in returned. I had actually gone, met someone from the internet, and sat there, across from him feeling pretty confident! This was such a new feeling to me. And I was going to bask in it. And so we spent quite an enjoyable day together, I actually had fun. Probably because he did not intemidate me, what did I have to lose really. But by the end of the day I was convinced that I wanted to see him again, perhaps it was because of his lake house, but really I have to admit there was somthing charming about him, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. After the date was done, I didn't really know if we would see each other again. He was very much involved with women from Russia, and loved the fact that they were beautiful...his actual words were that they "looked like strippers". Well, I am about as far as one can get from the stripper type, and that is when I kind of had a hint that this guy, who was nothing I would want in a male, and was about to let go of all my standards, thought that I was not good enough for him!! Hmmm. It really threw me for a loop, considering this guy, in my head, was suppose to be thanking his lucky stars that he found someone so "normal" as me on the internet, and that we lived relatively close by to each other, and while we were both middle aged, had young boys. On paper we were great for each other. But ultimately, I wanted someone who would wear a clean shirt to dinner, and he wanted a skinny stripper type, that spoke limited english, and would not afford saying something about his "style" because she would be grateful to be in the US! So, I sent a nice email saying that I thought we were in different places in life...and he sent me an email saying that he couldn't see me anymore because his "dog had died". Seriously??

This whole thing got me thinking, to what extent does a person have to compromise to have someone in thier life? I know that all of relationships are compromises, but at this age, in your mid 40's peole have baggage, and I guess we just have to choose what baggage we are willing to live with, or are we willing to take the risk that we might have to go it alone. They say that when one door closes another opens, I don't know if it is true. It seems that looking back there have been times that a door closed and nothing else came in its place. But I do have hope. Hope that something will come along to make life feel a little less lonely. I have also come to the conclusion, that it is a sick joke God has played on us, because i think that we all have this inner thing, that makes us want to be connected to someone else. I think that we can all put a strong face on and say that we are find, happy, complete alone, but ultimately, God has given us this "thing"; this thing that makes us want to be hugged, want to be touched, want to be wanted, connecting with someone on a mind, body, spiritual level. It seems that God wants us to expect that from a relationship, and who are we to not reach for it!

I have dedicated myself to get out there, and find some connection, and maybe make some friends along the way, and who knows, maybe God will bless me with more than that. But until I really think that the guy sitting in front of me, is THAT guy, I will hold my standards up, somewhat, in a realistic manner. No one is perfect, but someone is perfect for me.