[I received this in my email box today, from a great friend and thought it was definitely worth sharing. Thank you Marion!]
Apples
Women are like apples on the trees. The best ones are on the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Thank you to all the "good apples" who are my friends.
Sometimes us normally smart women leave our brains at the door when we meet someone run across an profile who seems to have you in mind when he wrote it. Can anyone be this perfect for you?? Of course, we tell ourselves, but just like in every other area of our life, we have to remain smart! So here are 10 red flags to watch out for when meeting a man on line...
10. He slips the term, "Friends with benefits" any where in the profile, even if it was a generic choice in the "what kind of relationship are you looking for" category. A good man would not admit to wanting this relationship. We smart women know that EVERY man would get involved in this type of relationship, so it is a given and should never be spoken out loud.
9. He lists his age as 45, but the only picture you can find on his profile was his senior picture from high school. Lots could have happened between then and now. Pictures should be taken in the last year, or ok, if you feel like giving him a break, and aren't afraid of surprises, the pic is 2 years old.
8. He likes to take long walks on the beach or some other romantic activity. Don't you think that men who can afford to go to an exotic beach, and take walks on the beach must have someone to take those walks with. Do men really dream of taking long walks on the beach? Or is there idea of a romantic time is really great seats at their favorite teams events. 99% of men have something about "romantic walks" on the beach listed as an activity. I have been to the beach lately, and I didn't see a whole lot of single guys walking up and down the beach. But hey, it could be his fantasy and once he hooks up with you he will take you regularly on the beach for a walk. Or perhaps he will take the dog. Who knows.
7. He is between jobs right now. My experience that the men on line have some time on thier hands. Its not wrong for a woman to ask about a man's plan! Maybe they are between jobs, especially in this economy, but hey, they should be making plans, and if times are difficult maybe it is time to dedicate themselves to a new work plan, not a romantic one. The best have their ducks in a row before they offer to bring someone into their lives. That is if they are planning something real with someone.
6. He is 6' tall. No matter his height take a few inches off. This also goes for other parts of his anatomy; although if he mentions the size of any other, specific parts of his anatomy, turn the other way. A man cannot be measured by the size of anything else but his character. Make sure that he has a good character.
5. His picture vaguely resembles an underwear model you noticed in last season's JC Penney catalog. We all want to meet a very attractive, modelesque man, however, the chances of him being on a local dating service is pretty slim. Keep your head girls, your best bet is the "average" man.
6. Not looking for any "mama drama". One hardly ever mentions anything on a profile that you haven't experienced. Which means that he has experienced "mama drama" personally; is this with the woman or women that he has had children with? Maybe he should not worry about you bringing about "mama drama" but that there is a woman in his past that may bring YOU mama drama.
5. His home town is listed as "Bagdad" and somewhere in the profile he is looking for a nice american woman whom he will cherish. Ok, women, remember that the culture that a man grows up in makes the man. It is like finding a man who is native to the north country and you are shocked that he is planning a hunting trip in November! I do not like to "dump" a group of people into a basket and make generalizations...however, it is difficult to think that a man from the middle east will have similar views to womens rights. Before you jump into a relationship with this man, rent the movie "Not Without My Daughter" and then make a decision.
4. He has more than one profile, using different names on the same dating sight. The pictures kind of look like him, and his home town, while in the same region are listed differently. Do I even need to comment on this one??
3. While he is emailing you, he is also emailing a friend of yours. Of course he is just emailing her to ask about YOU and tell her how wonderful YOU are. However, your friend reports that he asks her about meeting. Again, 'nough said. Why would your friend lie, is she your friend? Remember he is just a guy on the internet and you know your friend.
2. His second email is a poetic piece of art. Does the average guy have the skills to write you letters that sound they came from Shakespeare, pronouncing his love to you. Make sure the emails equal the level you know each other. No one can fall in love with you over the intenet. Love takes time to grow, and while you may be attracted to someone quickly, it is NOT love. Love takes experience with each other, it takes at least one experience of looking into each others eyes. Love takes the assurance that the person you are in love with is real. Ask yourself if you think you are in love with this person, or in the thought of "being" in love. Don't allow yourself to be swept off your feet, and swept right into a place that causees your life more trouble than you can imagine. Remember, love should enhance your life, not bring you crazy drama.
1. "I have no baggage." Is he old enough to be participating in the single dating sight? If he is over the age of 25, he has some kind of baggage, we all do. One thing that women do to themselves is that we believe that everyone in the world is a better catch than we are. You know what? It ISN'T true! People have problems, people have things to overcome in your life. So, keep it balanced, between not looking for someone who is perfect and someone who has baggage that you can't deal with. We can all deal with different things in life, make a list of the things that you COULD deal with, and all the things that are deal breakers, and STICK TO IT! You know yourself best, be your own best friend and don't allow yourself to end up with someone that you wouldn't let your best friend date. Treat yourself in a way that you deserve.
The older we get, the harder it is to find that someone special. It is the truth. It is my opinion that the older we are the harder it is for us to be secure in ourselves, too much has happened, we have made too many mistakes, and we feel that we have to cover things up or we will look stupid, not responsible enough, not smart enough, blah, blah, blah. We are so much more alike than we are different. Question things that don't make sense, use your voice and ask questions, if they don't like you asking the questions, than he is not for you. Other than that, have fun, be safe and hopefully we will all find that someone special.
Memorial Day Today (and everyday) I remember my friend Brian. It seems so strange that it has been more than 12 years since Brian passed away. I wonder if he knows that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him. I wonder if he knew the impact that he has had on my life.
Brian was probably the best person I have ever known. He was open to people, and he had this real innocent way about him. What he was, was what you saw and experienced of him. Now, I wonder if that was really true. How can a person end their own life if they do not, in part, feel that they are not able to be themselves. I believe now, that Brian was very controlled. He let you in only so far, and showed people only what he thought people would be ok with. Maybe, there is some part of him that he thought no one could accept or understand. I understand the thought of suicide, and I think that there are people in the world that struggle with it all the time. I don’t understand it in a “clinical” way, what would make some people just naturally think about it? My whole life I struggled with the prospect of “checking out”. Sometimes the feeling was stronger than others, and it was really my whole hearted belief in God and this endless belief in hope and the ability for life to change. It has been a struggle, and in the last few years I have taken medications to help with depression and anxiety, but I have to admit that it doesn’t take the thoughts away. I have responsibilities with my family and some days, this is the only thing that keeps me from “checking out” early. I remember when finding out about Brian, part of me was angry, how did he dare just “checking out”, didn’t he know that there were some of us right next to him, struggling with the same thing every day. How would he know, we never talked about it. In our little group of friends, we met each other through a single group that a friend and I started through our church. Here we were a group of young “Christian” adults, trying to figure out our place in this world. We were all struggling; we were all tripping on life; tripping in the sense that we constantly made mistakes. Constantly choose the wrong people to date, constantly partied and related to each other in an artificial sense, because many times alcohol was involved. I think that we all lived in fear, I know that I did; thinking that these people would not like me if they really knew me. We were such pretenders; and that pretending cost us, big time. It cost us the life of one of our dear friends. It is interesting that after Brian’s death, the group didn’t get together as much and people just began to disappear. Gone. Why didn’t we just tell each other exactly what we were feeling, why couldn’t we share with each other how scared we were, how lost we were, how alone we were? Maybe all of us would have felt better, maybe we would have found what we were looking for – real life, real love.
I have so many great memories of Brian. I remember the first time that I heard his name. I was sitting at a meeting about a youth retreat that I was working on. Someone mentioned that a new single guy had moved into the parish, and that perhaps we could get him involved. I thought: hey get the guy involved, we always need men to volunteer. I was hurrying around at the camp, taking care of last minute details for this confirmation retreat. There was this good looking guy, kind of looking like he was uncomfortable being there, and thought oh good the guy came. I went to say hello; only because I was in charge and I felt some type of obligation. In the past, girls like me didn’t introduce themselves to guys like him. (You know, the fat girl never walked up to the good looking guy!) He told me that he had not brought any extra clothes or equipment because he couldn’t stay overnight but that he would help out through the afternoon and evening. I remember walking and thinking, “figures, those types of guys just can’t put themselves out there”. And I continued on with my, trust no one, do it yourself attitude. I had so many things to get done, I didn’t think too much about it. And then, it came time for me to do my “testimony” and so I talked about my life of insecurity, my need to accept my weight, and what I suffered through in feeling unaccepted, unlovable, etc…that comes from living a life in obesity. I remember looking over at Brian while I did my talk, and he was really listening. It made me feel a little self conscious. The talk was good, and the kids reported that they too felt the way I did, for whatever reason. And then, Brian walked up to me, and told me that he really liked my talk, and that even though he didn’t have any extra clothes or anything, he would stay the whole weekend. I was shocked. It felt great though. And we talked a little during the weekend, but not too much. I am sure that we laughed and joked around, because that was my way. I remember that I was just glad he had stayed.
Then someone had the idea that we begin a young adult ministry for the parish; great idea, I was a single adult maybe it would be fun. So, we got some single adults together to plan the group. I remember we met at Shoney’s for breakfast on a Saturday morning. And there was Brian. I remember he sat across from me. And I was happy when I could make him laugh. I worked really hard to make him laugh. I can’t really remember how it came about, but he asked me to his apartment for dinner. Not just me, but me and Elizabeth. I remember walking to the door, and this feeling overwhelmed me; this feeling that Brian would become a really important part of my life. It was the strangest feeling, I had only had it one time before, and that was my first love. But when I look back on it now, I understand that how much every moment of our lives adds to the next. I remember when I loved Chris, my first love, that I was this loving being, never having been rejected before I had no fears. But Chris’ rejection, put fear in my life and I realize now that I will never, ever love like that again. I person can’t, I suppose that is the magic of first love. And so here is Brian, he cooked spaghetti and we had a lot of fun and thus our friendship began. I remember that when we were out with our friends, it was them and Brian and I. We always had this connection and even when he had invited girls to the parties or the events, it still would end up that we, Brian and I were together on a couch talking or laughing. I was happy when the girls would walk away in frustration. Everyone loved Brian, and it became very interesting that I think at one time or another every girl in the singles group had a crush on him. I sat in the background knowing that they would fail in their quest and that at the end of the day, Brian and I would be best buds and they would be inconsequential. One day, Brian had an invitation from one of the girls in the group, to go to her house for dinner. I had been at the lake all day, had stopped by his house on the way back into town, and he told me that I “had” to go with him to her house, that he did not want to go alone and that he couldn’t say no to her. So I said that it was a “date” and that really he should not bring an extra girl on a date. I remember laughing when he didn’t realize it was a date. So I called our friend “Raul” to come with us so that I could at least have a “date” also. Too funny! We arrive at her house, and a feast is being cooked, and on the table and counter was a lot of alcohol. There was a lot of tequila, and whiskey. It was this weird feeling of walking into a lair. I felt sorry for him. So, for some reason, Brian and this girl begin drinking, and Raul and I are kind of watching this go down. To make a long story short, but the end of the evening, I am helping her in the bathroom and she gets sick. And Raul decides to go home, however Brian begs me to stay. So, I can’t say no to him, so I stay. I get her to bed and come back down stairs, and can’t find Brian, I walk outside and he is in the back field (this house was in the country) just walking around and I walk with him, and we sit down on the grass, and he realized that he had broke his glasses, and as usual I was fixing the glasses, and he began to cry. It was the first time I had seen this emotion coming from him. And I told him that it was ok, I would fix the glasses no problem. But then he said to me, “Do you know how hard it is to be me?” and really I didn’t know what to say. To me he was perfect. I told him that we all feel like fuck ups that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. I had never seen him like that before, he seemed so vulnerable. In that moment, I just loved him so much. But how do you tell that to someone in that state. We spent the night in the living room of this women and when the sun came up, I drove him home in his car. The end. Never to speak of that moment again. But we knew that we were closer. It was just never spoken about. Then it happened. I was having a party in at my house, all the group was there. We were drinking of course, and listening to music, people dancing. And then, a Natalie Cole song came on, “Unforgettable” and somehow Brian and I started slow dancing and then I we felt everything. And we looked at each other, and we just began kissing, this long most honest kiss, and that night Brian spent the night with me. We just spent the night in each other’s arms. Nothing more than kissing and touching. I remember I woke and he was sleeping there, and I swore that this was the man that I was going to marry. When we woke up that morning, I was so nervous, I didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know if he wanted to stay, didn’t know if he was just drunk the night before and I was too shy or stupid to ask where we stood. He spent the day at my house, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I was so…afraid. That I did nothing, waiting for him to say something that would have made sense of what we just experienced. We never talked about it again. And then he began dating another girl. I thought that was that. I was crushed. Then our friend got married. I called him to ask him if he wanted to go to the wedding with me and in a moment of courage, asked him if he would go with me as my “date”, repeating it several times. He said yes, that he would go with me as my date. And there I was at the wedding sitting with our friends, feeling awkward, watching him dance with all the women who asked him to dance. Then I was helping my friend with the food, and I felt someone behind me, and there he was and he took my hand and we danced a slow dance together. He told me that he was wondering when he was going to be able to dance with his “date”. It was such a moment. But we never talked about that either. It was always so hard for me to talk about my feelings, and I never dated, and in love I was always the loser, and this time, on top of all those feelings, I didn’t want to lose my friend. And so we went on, never talking about it. Like always he dated girls that he would meet here and there. He always had a lot girls around him. None like me though..lol I moved away, feeling that perhaps he would see that I am taking life seriously and being successful. Back fire. He moved away too. And we never saw each other again. And then one sunny May morning, I was heading to the chapel for daily Mass, and my office phone rang, and it was Elizabeth, and she told me that the night before, Brian had died. He had hung himself in his apartment and the girl he had been dating found him. You see, I had talked to him, and invited him to my house in Mississippi, and a few people were going to come and see me, but he cancelled at the last minute, because he was going to go to this girls birthday party, because he had broken up with her, and he wanted to somehow remain friends with her. She had a small child and I think that Brian felt more about the child than her. I really wish he would have come to see me that weekend. But he didn’t. And so that is how Brian left me forever. Before his death, I would have this idea in the back of my mind that something would happen and we would get together, that it would be this great love story. I never dream that would have ended with this. I lived years thinking that he was the one and when the time was right, God would get us together. There was this moment, he and I were in church. And at the sign of the peace, I turned to say “Peace Be with you” to him, extending out my hand. And this little old lady was behind us, and she said to us, oh just kiss him, or something like that. And I was shocked and we looked at each other in disbelief. But then I looked back behind us, and she was no longer there. Did I talk about it? NO. What the hell was wrong with me back then. And so he died. And he was gone and I no longer had my dream. What was I suppose to do? Ah, enter Ismael, this interesting Latin American who was madly in love with me, right when he met me, it was easy. And all I would have to do is not ask myself if I loved him. Just take it for what it is. And so I find myself in this relationship, confused as to what relationships should be all about and most importantly where was God in all this? One day a campus minister, the next day moving to Atlanta, the next pregnant, and then 1 year later, I came back to my senses as a single mother. Moving back to New York with my precious little boy. On our own. Does Brian know his connection with my son? Every moment of our lives are connected, not one moment is out of place. I still miss Brian, and I so wish that he was alive, even if I was just spending time in that dream of us one day being together, because after his death I couldn’t even dream of that. The possibility is gone. I remember him, I will always remember him, like I saw him tomorrow. I just wish, that I would have told him how much I loved him, even if he would have rejected me. Now, I will never know. Brian, if you are listening, you will always live in my heart. I remember you.
This weekend my son and I drove to Lake Placid to spend a weekend away; a celebration, if you will, to the unofficial arrival of summer. With the added bonus of getting in on the “Elevate Your Rate” promotion at the High Peaks Resort, even this single mom was able to do something special for the Memorial Day Weekend. (The hotel is great and we especially love the bathroom! Isn’t it funny that bathrooms have become so important in our lives; we all want to feel like we are in a spa!) The weather has been cooperating, as it has not rained for more than a few minutes now and then, but the sun has been scarce, though it has tried to peak through a few times. Nonetheless, we have been able to add to our collection of memories, and pictures to be scrapbooked at a later date. Yesterday, we took out the boats that they have here at the resort, what a liberating feeling as I have not been on a paddle boat since I was about 14. Losing all that weight continues to be a benefit and getting back to the business of life is incredible. Of course, for a 9 year old boy, a paddle boat doesn’t seem to go fast enough but, hey, I was peddling as fast as I could. It took us a few minutes to get the hang of steering it, we did our share of circles but we finally got the hang of it, and traveled around the lake. After the paddleboat, we took out the row boat, which went much faster. It was in there in the row boat that I had my moment. Noah wanted to row the boat, and so I was telling him how to do it. Again, we seem to have difficulty with the teaching / learning relationship. He always tells me ‘I know how to do it Mom.” (Spoken in a very frustrating way.) The more he resists being taught, the more I feel I need to teach, now not just about rowing the boat, but how to gracefully accept direction, about perseverance, about hard work, etc. It gets very big, until the moment happens, that my usually sweet (prior to hitting 9) boy says to me, “Mom, I am doing it and you just keep yapping at me.” Yapping? Yapping? YAPPING? Since when does my son tell me that I am “yapping” at him? I wasn’t “yapping”, I was teaching! I was directing…isn’t that my job??? It took me most of the day, with this word “yapping” in my head to realize that … I was just yapping. Did anyone “teach” me to row a boat, or did I just get out there and “figure it out”. Since my son and I are always together, and I am a little bit of a nervous mother, thinking that something is going to happen to him if I let him go alone, his changes of figuring things out on his own are slim. And being that I love him more than life itself, I am quick to explain to him how I think he should do things, what I think should be important to him, etc. When I realized that I should just allow much more “figuring it out” experiences. With all my great intentions, all I am doing is leaving him with a feeling that he isn’t good enough and robbing him from moments of pride that he did it on my own. My job, now that he is 9, is to sit back and let him do more and more, until he becomes the independent man that God intended him to be. I have a feeling that this will be harder on me than on him! Ah, yet another stage of life. Its early morning here in Lake Place, another overcast day seems to be what we will get. All is quiet and moments of reflection are a blessing. I thank God today for the blessings that we have, especially these moments away from our regular routine. But later today, we head back to Grandma and Snoopy, whom we have missed with a renewed spirit to carry on.
Can anyone say anything new about spring? Have all the adjectives been used? Isn’t it funny that Spring gives us an added bounce in our step And that you feel this spring is so different than last, but Really you can’t remember the last spring, at least not in detail. Was it this warm, was it this cool, was the winter long, or did it feel shorter than most?
When I was a teenager, spring brought the thought of an exciting summer, I just knew that THIS summer something awesome was going to happen I will turn 46 this summer, and I am still waiting. Is it that it is never awesome enough? Why am I still waiting? What was I waiting for? Oh, yes, the thought of first love; Someone was going to actually love ME.
I am still waiting. . . not for 1st love, but for true love.
Spring brings the thought of new life, of a personal Easter, a resurrection. I have spent months feeling dead, on hold, hibernating, again waiting… Waiting for spring…
I tell my son to get his shoes. . . I wait. . .
In a small room while my mother has tests to see if the cancer is gone … I wait. . .
At work, I am spending my time doing something that I have no passion for, watching the clock… I wait . . .
If I were to put all the minutes of waiting together, how many hours would go by, How many days? How many weeks? How many years?
How could 46 years have gone by already? Where did it go? What was I waiting for? No matter how many people were around me I spent my time waiting… I so wish I had a deep answer to this question. I so wish that I could say that today I stop waiting, but I don’t if I will do that
Wasn’t this poem about Spring? Nothing outside is waiting, leaves are blooming and turning green, not waiting for me to be ready. Birds are singing a sweet spring song, happy to be free again. All life is moving forward The clock is not waiting It will forge ahead in silent rhythm, until I find myself in winter again.
No! I will not go back without seeing today Without truly feeling the sun on my face, Without smelling the sweet smell of freshly cut grass Without having a picnic on the shores of a beautiful lake Without taking a trek in the woods Without really seeing those I love, and letting them know I love them. Spring… I promise to know you before you leave.
Yesterday, my son asked me an interesting question. He said, "Mom, wouldn't it be great if God would have given us super powers?" And so I asked him what super power he would have like to have gotten. And he answered me "A laser ray that shoots out of my hand and brings me objects that are far away." I thought that his choice was interesting, especially if one could pick out any super powers, like reading someone's mind, flying, etc. Then I asked him, "Do you think that God thinks that he might HAVE given you super powers?" He gave me a very strange look and then said, "Yeah he gave me a brain". I thought very good conclusion for a 9 year old.
This made me begin to wonder, about all the things that God blesses us with and His intention for their use. I don't know about you, but as I started thinking about this I realized just how little of the gifts I have been given are used for thier intended purpose. And so I asked myself to begin thinking why this is. Why do I allow wonderful things in my life not to be used. In many of the instances it was all about fear. What if I don't really know how to use it? What if someone thinks I am silly if I use it? What if I fail? What if it is going to require more energy and thought than I think, then I am stuck with a big project in front of me. The unknown is scarey, why don't I just get busy with accepting and loving the life at hand?!? Isn't this what I am suppose to do? Ah, I don't think so.
The greatest thing that God gave me was a restless spirit. Something inside of me always tells me that life could be better. Don't get me wrong, what I have is pretty good. But couldn't the world be better, couldn't I be more tomorrow than I am today. And then I read the quote that I have on the heading of this blog...to plant a tree that I don't expect to sit under, because I am off to the next adventure! Fear, fear, fear. How would it feel like to have the super power of being courageous. Courage to tackle what seems the impossible, courage to see life in a way that has millions of possiblities not limits. This is the one thing that is great about kids, they think that everything is possible. And as they grow, how many times do we say in some version, "Oh honey, that is not possible." Shame on us. As adults, I think that we think we have to live realistically, but as you read the papers, the people that are most successful are dreamers, those who believe that something different is possible. People who do not get easily discouraged because someone tells them, "That just isn't possible. "
I for one am making the decision today to believe that God has given me all that I need to make changes, not only in my life but in the world. That with God, all things are possible. Each day I will tackle the fears, and see them for what they really are, chains that bound me to life that is not always fulfilling. It is good to be discontent, it makes us move. And so for those of us who may have one time thought that discontentment is a bad thing, today I thank God for it . . . and will move in a different direction.
