Unforgettable

Memorial Day
Today (and everyday) I remember my friend Brian. It seems so strange that it has been more than 12 years since Brian passed away. I wonder if he knows that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him. I wonder if he knew the impact that he has had on my life.

Brian was probably the best person I have ever known. He was open to people, and he had this real innocent way about him. What he was, was what you saw and experienced of him. Now, I wonder if that was really true. How can a person end their own life if they do not, in part, feel that they are not able to be themselves. I believe now, that Brian was very controlled. He let you in only so far, and showed people only what he thought people would be ok with. Maybe, there is some part of him that he thought no one could accept or understand. I understand the thought of suicide, and I think that there are people in the world that struggle with it all the time. I don’t understand it in a “clinical” way, what would make some people just naturally think about it? My whole life I struggled with the prospect of “checking out”. Sometimes the feeling was stronger than others, and it was really my whole hearted belief in God and this endless belief in hope and the ability for life to change. It has been a struggle, and in the last few years I have taken medications to help with depression and anxiety, but I have to admit that it doesn’t take the thoughts away. I have responsibilities with my family and some days, this is the only thing that keeps me from “checking out” early. I remember when finding out about Brian, part of me was angry, how did he dare just “checking out”, didn’t he know that there were some of us right next to him, struggling with the same thing every day. How would he know, we never talked about it. In our little group of friends, we met each other through a single group that a friend and I started through our church. Here we were a group of young “Christian” adults, trying to figure out our place in this world. We were all struggling; we were all tripping on life; tripping in the sense that we constantly made mistakes. Constantly choose the wrong people to date, constantly partied and related to each other in an artificial sense, because many times alcohol was involved. I think that we all lived in fear, I know that I did; thinking that these people would not like me if they really knew me. We were such pretenders; and that pretending cost us, big time. It cost us the life of one of our dear friends. It is interesting that after Brian’s death, the group didn’t get together as much and people just began to disappear. Gone. Why didn’t we just tell each other exactly what we were feeling, why couldn’t we share with each other how scared we were, how lost we were, how alone we were? Maybe all of us would have felt better, maybe we would have found what we were looking for – real life, real love.

I have so many great memories of Brian. I remember the first time that I heard his name. I was sitting at a meeting about a youth retreat that I was working on. Someone mentioned that a new single guy had moved into the parish, and that perhaps we could get him involved. I thought: hey get the guy involved, we always need men to volunteer. I was hurrying around at the camp, taking care of last minute details for this confirmation retreat. There was this good looking guy, kind of looking like he was uncomfortable being there, and thought oh good the guy came. I went to say hello; only because I was in charge and I felt some type of obligation. In the past, girls like me didn’t introduce themselves to guys like him. (You know, the fat girl never walked up to the good looking guy!) He told me that he had not brought any extra clothes or equipment because he couldn’t stay overnight but that he would help out through the afternoon and evening. I remember walking and thinking, “figures, those types of guys just can’t put themselves out there”. And I continued on with my, trust no one, do it yourself attitude. I had so many things to get done, I didn’t think too much about it. And then, it came time for me to do my “testimony” and so I talked about my life of insecurity, my need to accept my weight, and what I suffered through in feeling unaccepted, unlovable, etc…that comes from living a life in obesity. I remember looking over at Brian while I did my talk, and he was really listening. It made me feel a little self conscious. The talk was good, and the kids reported that they too felt the way I did, for whatever reason. And then, Brian walked up to me, and told me that he really liked my talk, and that even though he didn’t have any extra clothes or anything, he would stay the whole weekend. I was shocked. It felt great though. And we talked a little during the weekend, but not too much. I am sure that we laughed and joked around, because that was my way. I remember that I was just glad he had stayed.

Then someone had the idea that we begin a young adult ministry for the parish; great idea, I was a single adult maybe it would be fun. So, we got some single adults together to plan the group. I remember we met at Shoney’s for breakfast on a Saturday morning. And there was Brian. I remember he sat across from me. And I was happy when I could make him laugh. I worked really hard to make him laugh. I can’t really remember how it came about, but he asked me to his apartment for dinner. Not just me, but me and Elizabeth. I remember walking to the door, and this feeling overwhelmed me; this feeling that Brian would become a really important part of my life. It was the strangest feeling, I had only had it one time before, and that was my first love. But when I look back on it now, I understand that how much every moment of our lives adds to the next. I remember when I loved Chris, my first love, that I was this loving being, never having been rejected before I had no fears. But Chris’ rejection, put fear in my life and I realize now that I will never, ever love like that again. I person can’t, I suppose that is the magic of first love. And so here is Brian, he cooked spaghetti and we had a lot of fun and thus our friendship began. I remember that when we were out with our friends, it was them and Brian and I. We always had this connection and even when he had invited girls to the parties or the events, it still would end up that we, Brian and I were together on a couch talking or laughing. I was happy when the girls would walk away in frustration. Everyone loved Brian, and it became very interesting that I think at one time or another every girl in the singles group had a crush on him. I sat in the background knowing that they would fail in their quest and that at the end of the day, Brian and I would be best buds and they would be inconsequential. One day, Brian had an invitation from one of the girls in the group, to go to her house for dinner. I had been at the lake all day, had stopped by his house on the way back into town, and he told me that I “had” to go with him to her house, that he did not want to go alone and that he couldn’t say no to her. So I said that it was a “date” and that really he should not bring an extra girl on a date. I remember laughing when he didn’t realize it was a date. So I called our friend “Raul” to come with us so that I could at least have a “date” also. Too funny! We arrive at her house, and a feast is being cooked, and on the table and counter was a lot of alcohol. There was a lot of tequila, and whiskey. It was this weird feeling of walking into a lair. I felt sorry for him. So, for some reason, Brian and this girl begin drinking, and Raul and I are kind of watching this go down. To make a long story short, but the end of the evening, I am helping her in the bathroom and she gets sick. And Raul decides to go home, however Brian begs me to stay. So, I can’t say no to him, so I stay. I get her to bed and come back down stairs, and can’t find Brian, I walk outside and he is in the back field (this house was in the country) just walking around and I walk with him, and we sit down on the grass, and he realized that he had broke his glasses, and as usual I was fixing the glasses, and he began to cry. It was the first time I had seen this emotion coming from him. And I told him that it was ok, I would fix the glasses no problem. But then he said to me, “Do you know how hard it is to be me?” and really I didn’t know what to say. To me he was perfect. I told him that we all feel like fuck ups that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. I had never seen him like that before, he seemed so vulnerable. In that moment, I just loved him so much. But how do you tell that to someone in that state. We spent the night in the living room of this women and when the sun came up, I drove him home in his car. The end. Never to speak of that moment again. But we knew that we were closer. It was just never spoken about. Then it happened. I was having a party in at my house, all the group was there. We were drinking of course, and listening to music, people dancing. And then, a Natalie Cole song came on, “Unforgettable” and somehow Brian and I started slow dancing and then I we felt everything. And we looked at each other, and we just began kissing, this long most honest kiss, and that night Brian spent the night with me. We just spent the night in each other’s arms. Nothing more than kissing and touching. I remember I woke and he was sleeping there, and I swore that this was the man that I was going to marry. When we woke up that morning, I was so nervous, I didn’t know what to expect, didn’t know if he wanted to stay, didn’t know if he was just drunk the night before and I was too shy or stupid to ask where we stood. He spent the day at my house, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I was so…afraid. That I did nothing, waiting for him to say something that would have made sense of what we just experienced. We never talked about it again. And then he began dating another girl. I thought that was that. I was crushed. Then our friend got married. I called him to ask him if he wanted to go to the wedding with me and in a moment of courage, asked him if he would go with me as my “date”, repeating it several times. He said yes, that he would go with me as my date. And there I was at the wedding sitting with our friends, feeling awkward, watching him dance with all the women who asked him to dance. Then I was helping my friend with the food, and I felt someone behind me, and there he was and he took my hand and we danced a slow dance together. He told me that he was wondering when he was going to be able to dance with his “date”. It was such a moment. But we never talked about that either. It was always so hard for me to talk about my feelings, and I never dated, and in love I was always the loser, and this time, on top of all those feelings, I didn’t want to lose my friend. And so we went on, never talking about it. Like always he dated girls that he would meet here and there. He always had a lot girls around him. None like me though..lol I moved away, feeling that perhaps he would see that I am taking life seriously and being successful. Back fire. He moved away too. And we never saw each other again. And then one sunny May morning, I was heading to the chapel for daily Mass, and my office phone rang, and it was Elizabeth, and she told me that the night before, Brian had died. He had hung himself in his apartment and the girl he had been dating found him. You see, I had talked to him, and invited him to my house in Mississippi, and a few people were going to come and see me, but he cancelled at the last minute, because he was going to go to this girls birthday party, because he had broken up with her, and he wanted to somehow remain friends with her. She had a small child and I think that Brian felt more about the child than her. I really wish he would have come to see me that weekend. But he didn’t. And so that is how Brian left me forever. Before his death, I would have this idea in the back of my mind that something would happen and we would get together, that it would be this great love story. I never dream that would have ended with this. I lived years thinking that he was the one and when the time was right, God would get us together. There was this moment, he and I were in church. And at the sign of the peace, I turned to say “Peace Be with you” to him, extending out my hand. And this little old lady was behind us, and she said to us, oh just kiss him, or something like that. And I was shocked and we looked at each other in disbelief. But then I looked back behind us, and she was no longer there. Did I talk about it? NO. What the hell was wrong with me back then. And so he died. And he was gone and I no longer had my dream. What was I suppose to do? Ah, enter Ismael, this interesting Latin American who was madly in love with me, right when he met me, it was easy. And all I would have to do is not ask myself if I loved him. Just take it for what it is. And so I find myself in this relationship, confused as to what relationships should be all about and most importantly where was God in all this? One day a campus minister, the next day moving to Atlanta, the next pregnant, and then 1 year later, I came back to my senses as a single mother. Moving back to New York with my precious little boy. On our own. Does Brian know his connection with my son? Every moment of our lives are connected, not one moment is out of place. I still miss Brian, and I so wish that he was alive, even if I was just spending time in that dream of us one day being together, because after his death I couldn’t even dream of that. The possibility is gone.
I remember him, I will always remember him, like I saw him tomorrow. I just wish, that I would have told him how much I loved him, even if he would have rejected me. Now, I will never know.
Brian, if you are listening, you will always live in my heart. I remember you.