To Be or Not to Be...with the "right" guy

We all want to be with the "right" person. But how do we know what that means really? Recently I went on a "blind" internet date. I was most nervous because I thought of all the things that were wrong with me. I worked hard not to have a bad hair day, make sure my clothing was correct for the occasion, and no unsightly bulges were too accentuated. I made sure legs were shaved, all unwanted facial hair was gone, make up perfect (not too much, not too little) and I smelled really good. I left the house pretty confident that I had found a balance of looking put together but not too much so. And so off I went to meet this virtual stranger. There he was waiting in the parking lot, like he said he would. I was a little surprised, it didn't seem like he put ANY effort into this and well I think he might have taken his shirt out of the laundry basket, done one of those sniffs guys do to make sure that it was ok, and ran out the door. But hey, I am not a shallow person, so I tried not to make any judgements. We went into the resteraunt, and I found that I was at ease and the conversation went pretty well, with only a few quiet spots here and there. THe margaritas were good and cheap but I still wasn't committing to a "meal", despite the waitresses constant attention of what we would like to order. After a few margarita's his lack of personal style, his inability to ask me any questions about myself, and his constant talk of his ex didn't seem to matter. My expectations and standards were waining a little (this is not a point I am proud of, mind you) and the date continued on. What got was this... after years of suffering from "male attention deprivation" I found myself just liking the fact that someone liked me in returned. I had actually gone, met someone from the internet, and sat there, across from him feeling pretty confident! This was such a new feeling to me. And I was going to bask in it. And so we spent quite an enjoyable day together, I actually had fun. Probably because he did not intemidate me, what did I have to lose really. But by the end of the day I was convinced that I wanted to see him again, perhaps it was because of his lake house, but really I have to admit there was somthing charming about him, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. After the date was done, I didn't really know if we would see each other again. He was very much involved with women from Russia, and loved the fact that they were beautiful...his actual words were that they "looked like strippers". Well, I am about as far as one can get from the stripper type, and that is when I kind of had a hint that this guy, who was nothing I would want in a male, and was about to let go of all my standards, thought that I was not good enough for him!! Hmmm. It really threw me for a loop, considering this guy, in my head, was suppose to be thanking his lucky stars that he found someone so "normal" as me on the internet, and that we lived relatively close by to each other, and while we were both middle aged, had young boys. On paper we were great for each other. But ultimately, I wanted someone who would wear a clean shirt to dinner, and he wanted a skinny stripper type, that spoke limited english, and would not afford saying something about his "style" because she would be grateful to be in the US! So, I sent a nice email saying that I thought we were in different places in life...and he sent me an email saying that he couldn't see me anymore because his "dog had died". Seriously??

This whole thing got me thinking, to what extent does a person have to compromise to have someone in thier life? I know that all of relationships are compromises, but at this age, in your mid 40's peole have baggage, and I guess we just have to choose what baggage we are willing to live with, or are we willing to take the risk that we might have to go it alone. They say that when one door closes another opens, I don't know if it is true. It seems that looking back there have been times that a door closed and nothing else came in its place. But I do have hope. Hope that something will come along to make life feel a little less lonely. I have also come to the conclusion, that it is a sick joke God has played on us, because i think that we all have this inner thing, that makes us want to be connected to someone else. I think that we can all put a strong face on and say that we are find, happy, complete alone, but ultimately, God has given us this "thing"; this thing that makes us want to be hugged, want to be touched, want to be wanted, connecting with someone on a mind, body, spiritual level. It seems that God wants us to expect that from a relationship, and who are we to not reach for it!

I have dedicated myself to get out there, and find some connection, and maybe make some friends along the way, and who knows, maybe God will bless me with more than that. But until I really think that the guy sitting in front of me, is THAT guy, I will hold my standards up, somewhat, in a realistic manner. No one is perfect, but someone is perfect for me.